FAMILY/HEALTH PREP #5: Transparency...

“When we live our life as if it is an open book, we are free in body, mind, and spirit and allow anyone to read from our pages.” ― Molly Friedenfeld

A friend had a hard time in his marriage when he found out his wife was communicating with his best friend over texts and then over Facebook chat and wouldn't tell him what they were talking about. This "friendship" soon came out a more than that and though he tried working with his spouse she ended up divorcing him and within two months she was already engaged to his best friend.

If probably started as just talk, but then it became more. The secrecy we hold from our spouses is the final nail that will end our marriage. Most marriages don't end from affairs or addiction, they end from the lies and secrecy that will forever haunt the couple. The lack of trust and comfort a spouse has with the other stems from not trusting them.

The number of affairs and divorces have steadily inclined since the creation of dating apps and then hook-up apps and websites promoting infidelity and secret one night stands. You can't have trust when these things exist in your life. What would happen if you boss decided he couldn't trust you anymore? You would be FIRED!!! So what happens when you are caught (and everyone eventually gets caught) cheating on your spouse.

Now that was an extreme but this is not about infidelity in your sexual life, its about transparency and trust between spouses. This shows up in family finances, pornography and other addictions, or any lie that your spouse finds out about.

Just the fact that you are holding a secret eventually affects your behavior. You will become cold, mean, shut off, closed off, start projecting your feelings, and so much more all from the fact that you are keeping something from your spouse.

Marriage will truly become a drag if you are keeping secrets or your spouse is keeping secrets from you. When you lose trust, it is very hard to get it back. When you put up the wall to protect your lie, you also put up a wall against your spouse and your intimacy with them. Sex becomes dull and a burden for one side and it is hard to hit your peak, there s a lack of closeness or comfort in each other's arms, and your conversations will always become more shallow.

On the other hand, when there is transparency and trust, there is more passion in your love making, comfort in each other's arms, strength and depth in your conversation, and much much more intimacy. You can actually find the feelings again as when you were newlyweds, guaranteed.

So how do you find those feelings again, you start by being open with your spouse. Tell them everything. Sit down and start a discussion with them about the way you feel and things that have occurred. You may want to tell them to brace themselves and that you are doing this seeking for forgiveness and understanding and reclaim any trust that was lost. Be transparent about your intentions and not just what you have been hiding. They will either understand or not they won't but the information will be out and they can decide how to handle it. You can't worry about how they respond but that you are totally open and honest with them.

This openness and transparency will help you as well; so there is a selfish reasoning to do this well. Call it the icing on the cake. Your stress and worry levels will come down, you will be able to get more restful sleep, and you will generally be more healthy by being open and transparent. Nothing does a body more good than releasing build-up of pressures from within you mind. This is one of the greatest building blocks to greater health, the release of stress, worry, and unneeded thought. Even a 10-year old lie is taking up space in your mind.

Transparency creates openness with those around you but also creates an openness in your life and health as well.

ACTION ITEM:

1) Find 5 things you have been holding back from your spouse and ask for a family council. It can be on your spending, things that happened with family, addictions of any type, or infidelity. Sit them down and be completely open with them. Start off with the worst one and though they may feel hurt, you will bring down the emotions instead of ramping them up. The hope of doing this is also that your spouse will feel the ability to be transparent with you and tell you everything they have been holding back so remember to brace yourself. Transparency was never easy but it is definitely worth it.

2) Write at least one letter to someone that you have been keeping a secret from, even if it was 10 years ago, and mail them a letter explaining what you have been holding on to and your feelings about it. Try to be as transparent and apologetic as you can. Just the fact that you still remember the lie means you are still holding on to the stress and pain that is attached to it. By releasing the information you are also releasing the pressure built up in you mind.