FAMILY: Arguments and the Brick Walls they Build

This post will be fast. Coming from a guy who used to have a hot head and has now learned better than to engage in a heated argument, I would like to address the feeling everyone has to vent.

As you can tell, communication is the number one goal with me. I want everyone to communicate with me, whether its a spouse, my kids, my co-workers, my bosses, or a client. Whether it's good news or they want to criticize me, I'm open to hearing them, but in order to be effective two things need to happen first:

1) You can't be in the heat of the emotions when beginning a conversation. Emotions only get in the way of effective words. When there is heated emotion around, there is no communication. Each party needs to cool down before talking because emotions simply get in the way. If you are angry, find a punching bag and get your aggression out of your system. If you are sad, have a good cry into your pillow first. Vent that emotion so your words will be more thoughtful and effective.

2) Realize that words do a lot more than just explain your situation, they can make a person defensive or they can calm or excite a troubled soul, so be careful about the words you use.

Remember that in communications, we only lose every situation we don't address. Nothing is actually resolved just by hiding your feelings and frustrations.

KEEP OPEN: When we communicate we have to speak like you know what we are talking about, but listen like you are ignorant. We must not put up our walls and defend our ground (opinions, thoughts, other people). Keep yourself open to what the other person is saying, or just like you, they won't learn anything.

ANALOGY: In a conversation, "The Wall" is a real defense mechanism that creates frustration and anger between two people. When someone puts up their wall, they are figuratively laying bricks in front of them. Your words are the bricks they are using. The harder your words, the harder it is to break down the barrier. When you approach someone to discuss an issue, the foundation of their wall starts at your appearance. If they see arms folded, anger in your eyes or such, that person prepares themselves for the worse. Then the first words that come out of your mouth will bring up the barriers quickly. There is some time between when you approach that person and when their walls gets too high that no matter what you say they won't hear a word.

BRINGING DOWN SOMEONE'S WALL: Did you know that the fastest way to bring down someone's wall is to acknowledge their thoughts or accepting even a small portion of their argument is true. Saying the words "You are right... (find something in their argument that is true and make sure they know you are listening by agreeing with their argument) will stop the construction of a wall. Everyone wants to know they are heard.. This little bit of humility will go a long way to show you are open and listening.

When the construction of someone's defenses stops, they are ultimately bringing down their defenses. They have stopped the building up and so allowing your words to penetrate, which allows the defenses to open up to more words, as long as you open yourself as well. The wall will continue to open up or come down as long as you use your words effectively and humble yourself.

Last but not least, you will never bring down another person's wall, they are the only one with that power, but you can help them by the words you are saying. Even touch (hand on the shoulder, appropriate hug for the moment) can help them start taking down the wall brick by brick.

The object of this discussion is to help you communicate so that the person you are talking to will never feel the need to put up that wall in the first place.

ACTION ITEMS:

1) Look at how you interact with people. Do you fold your arms? Do you walk up to someone with a scowl on your face or a smile in your eyes? Pay atention to these attributes. If you naturally smile, then we need to address that, which we will further on in this blog.

2) Find conversations where people put up their walls quickly, see if you can bring down that wall through humility and accepting some point they are fighting for. I know you aren't supposed to talk about this but find a conversation with someone who has different beliefs and bring up politics. Watch as your "opponent in the argument" puts up their wall. Allow them to build that wall a litle and then try to intentionally bring it down. See if you have the abilities to 1) humble yourself, 2) be open to what they are saying, 3) fiind the wall they are building and help them bring it down brick by brick. First you have to let them start building it.

3) Begin to work on your approach and the walls people build when speaking with you. Find opportunities to tear down walls that have been built up over a long period of time.

Go out and be better than you were in the past.